I swear to god if you end up being like almost every other guy I date, only after one thing, then your going to end up alone and the only one you’ll have screwed is yourself!
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the...– Dave Barry
I want a pit crew… I hate the procedure I currently have to go through...– Dave Barry
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.– Dave Barry
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh,...– Dave Barry
The chief excitement in a woman’s life is spotting women who are fatter...– Helen Rowland
If you don’t drink, then all your stories suck and end with, “And...– Jim Jefferies
The difference between life and the movies is that a script has to make sense,...– Joseph Mankiewicz
If I was just another dusty record on the shelve Will you blow me off and play...– Lyrics to stereo heart
My mind forgets to remind me you’re a bad idea.– Taylor Swift
If you always do what you always did, then you’ll always get what you...
It’s hard to see the glass as half full if you feel like your glass is...– Me